


Cultural Exchange: Christmas

by umbraja



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Cuban Lance (Voltron), Cultural Differences, Gen, Hawaiian Hunk (Voltron), Humans Are Weird, Jewish Holts, Texan Keith (Voltron), diversity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-18 03:49:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,815
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13091796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/umbraja/pseuds/umbraja
Summary: One of the few good things about finding yourself on the other end of the universe from home is that you no longer have to put up with the annoying parts of your own culture. At least that’s what Matt had thought up until he found himself with a gaggle of diverse alien allies, standing in one of the castle lobbies staring at a loose facsimile of what could pass for a Christmas Tree. He was not thrilled.- OR -Matt makes a valid point about how there's a lot more to Earth's winter solstice than just Christmas and then Allura uses that to her advantage.





	Cultural Exchange: Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> Trying out a dramatically different voice from my usual. It's supposed to be funny but I'm afraid it might come off as just kind of bitchy. It helps if you read it in a British accent though for some reason that you might be able to guess if you catch the style references. 
> 
> I live on comments so please let me know what you think. Even if it's bad. I kinda need to know so I can make it better.
> 
> Also just going to apologize to all the Christmas lovers out there but it is kind of an insane holiday.

_When searching for a party to crash, it is said that the single most extravagant celebration of the Known Universe occurred in the year 1281 of the Galran Era on the planet Braxus when the great houses of the Braxian System allied themselves with a quintuple wedding. The festivities continued for two Braxan years and by the end of it Braxia was in ruin, all three of her moons tossed out of orbit and a rather large asteroid in place of the capitol. The survivors hold a yearly vigil in its memory to this day. If catastrophic cosmic ballet isn’t your scene, or you just don’t have a time machine, there is a little gem of a planet tucked away on the unfashionable end of the universe that almost always has a party going. The diverse cultures of Earth have enough holidays between them to rarely stop celebrating and the primitive peoples are quick to take any excuse to distract themselves from their own utter insignificance, usually by way of getting completely shitfaced. Being outside the Galran Empire affords the people of Earth many resources not usually allowed for such frivolity as celebrations and it is well worth the travel to experience. A complete solar cycle is recommended to enjoy the full scope of Earth holidays as they are mostly celebrated annually, but if less time is permitted, the solstices and equinoxes provide the most widely celebrated events. In particular is the winter solstice of the northern hemisphere which some cultures begin celebrating a few weeks after the autumnal equinox.  
\-- Traveler’s Guide to the Universe_

One of the few good things about finding yourself on the other end of the universe from home is that you no longer have to put up with the annoying parts of your own culture. At least that’s what Matt had thought up until this morning at roughly 6:37 am, Earth approximate time. Before that moment he had put up with quite a lot of annoying and at times even dangerous alien culture but he had been the only human in the room for so long he’d forgotten how absolutely barmy humans could be about some things. 

Today he was not the only human in the room. There were four and a half other humans on the castle-ship thing where Matt had spent the past few days going over final preparations for the Big Plan they’d spent the last several months working up to. And all of them, with a gaggle of diverse alien allies, were now standing in one of the castle lobbies staring at a loose facsimile of what could pass for a Christmas Tree. 

It wasn’t a very good one. Certainly not a pine or any sort of fir, more a strange somewhat fleshy palm but if you squint just right it did resemble a vaguely cone-like shape and Lance had done a decent job decorating it with all the usual baubles. He’d decorated the lobby too, while it had been closed off for “maintenance” during the talks. Quite more effort than should have been was put into this. The whole thing reminded Matt of an office party. Cheap decorations hastily thrown over the cold, hard surface of a work space in a vain attempt to inject a little holiday cheer into an otherwise miserable place. Maybe he was projecting.

The aliens were at least enthralled with the whimsey of it all though some seemed a touch disturbed at the use of the once live tree plant thing. They’d been disturbed at mention of ham and turkey as well though so no need to worry about the opinion of space vegans. It was at least mildly amusing to watch them pick through the long table of various foods Hunk had managed to make resemble Earth fare. All in all it wasn’t going too badly. Yet. Though Matt had a sinking suspicion things were about to take a turn as he watched his sister not so subtly dump a bottle of what looked to be his rum into the eggnog. 

The day hadn’t got off to a very good start either.

Matt had woken to the rather distinct chime of jingling bells alongside the thud and clatter of someone dropping a box outside his door at 6:37 am that morning. He knew it was 6:37 am because the rooms in the castle ship were oh so helpfully rigged with bright, happy, digital clocks that displayed the Earth equivalent of the approximate time of some imaginary day to track this sunless void. He was not surprised this was his sister’s fault. The clock. Not the sound. 

It was the big guy’s fault a box of jingle bells and other assorted junk had made a racket in front of Matt’s door. Hunk apologized profusely for dropping the box as he scooped the scattered contents up in thick arms and pulled the little baubles underneath him to crouch over the pile like a mother hen. Matt should have been suspicious for that but he’d been desensitized to strange behavior from living with actual aliens for so long. Rather than question it, or any of the other small hints he’d failed to notice over the past few days, Matt just waved the apology off and stepped around Hunk’s mess to drag his feet into the kitchen for something that might pass as coffee. 

He found an empty can. Pidge had drank the last of it the night before. Thinking on it, his sister had been especially impish lately. All the Paladins had been acting a bit off. Allura and Shiro he could easily write off as being entirely too busy with the weight of the alliance on their shoulders but the others had been suspiciously absent from some of the talks. Lance and Hunk had both been dodgy, giving thin excuses to duck out for who knows what. Keith had looked resigned to something when Lance drug him away last night. And Pidge kept grinning every time he looked at her, like she knew something he didn’t, something he wasn’t going to like. Even Coran had been extra. . . dandy of late. But Matt hadn’t enough pseudo coffee in his system to give it more than a passing thought.

It wasn’t until Lance addressed the gathered delegates of the coalition allies at the end of their last meeting that Matt began to expect trouble. Though he was the most talkative of the bunch, Lance was not usually allowed to address the delegates, not since he’d almost flirted himself into wrecking the royal marriage that held together the historically warring tribes of Veliz. Lance certainly was not the one to usually make formal announcements. But here he was, puffed up and preening like some idiotic peacock, talking about having read of an obscure rebel tradition of throwing a massive party right before important missions to ‘bond, relieve stress, and stick it to the man’ as Lance put it because, as he also said, the Galra had expressly forbidden such things. 

Matt was familiar with the book Lance must have read this from because he’d not heard of the actual custom in all his time with the rebels, or the law forbidding it, but he had read those exact words. Traveler’s Guide to the Universe was an odd and often inaccurate book of dubious publication that could be found only in obscure little corners of less traveled markets. That probably had a lot to do with the not at all subtle criticism the author had for the Galra, though if you bother to read the whole thing it’s more a problem with authority in general than anything specifically against the Empire. It also does not help that it contains a good bit of history that directly contradicts what the Empire likes to tell. Such as the entry on this particular party custom.

_The Fridori of Abisn 6 had a custom of war in which each side of a conflict would set camp at opposite ends of a field on the dawn of the day before battle. They would then party from dawn to dawn in a show of unity and prowess for their own side. If the party was good, it would often continue past dawn until one side gave out. When this happened the side left standing was declared winner and the conflict resolved without any actual fight, save the frequent brawls that broke out within camps. This custom came to almost completely replace traditional warfare amongst the Fridori as it is generally considered more pleasant to engage in drunken stupidity than stupidity while sober but this does not work so well against a foreign threat._

_When the Galra conquered the system they crushed the Fridori and outlawed these parties on a point of principle and in the name of Galran honor. At least that’s what they reported for the history books. Truth be told, it was more spite than honor. For the Galra once participated in the party ceremony as an attempt to make a peaceful transition with the Fridori. It was early in their spread and they’d still not quite figured out just how little they cared about transitions. After the ceremony, it was widely held as a bad idea because the Galra did not even make it to sundown at the party so rather soundly lost. In true tyrant style though, backup was called and the planet taken by force the next day. All of Fridori culture was destroyed and the very idea of the pre-battle party outlawed throughout the Empire as an example of Galran might. And so they can lie about not being able to hold their liquor._

Matt was fairly certain this was not true, if for nothing else he couldn’t imagine the Galra actually participating in such a thing. Then Kolivan gave a knowing nod when Lance brought it up. He was also familiar with the tradition.

“Many Blades tip the flask before battle in memory of our lost brothers,” the head Blade confirmed and the two Galra flanking him nodded solemnly though the half Galra behind them looked a little uncomfortable with this. Lance did not notice. He just barreled on with his announcement.

“Cool. So, I was thinking about having a party, you know, with us, before the mission, when I noticed the date.”

“287 of the Septuigate Cycle?” one of the aliens cut in from the back with what can only be presumed a date that made about as much sense to Matt as it seemed to Lance. By this point they were both used to it.

“Uuuh. . . no. Well, maybe. But I mean the Earth Date,” Lance paused a moment to pull up an excited smile and Matt’s mind began to reel in quick conversions. Oh no. “Today is an Earth holiday,” Lance continued and Matt felt a cold chill. “The best Earth holiday of them all. And since we’re all in this together I thought maybe we could do a little cultural exchange. We celebrate the pre-battle thing and you get to learn about Earth culture.” 

Matt was too busy reeling from the absurdity of this suggestion to stop Allura from standing up with a little clap and declaring it ‘Brilliant’ then somehow convincing the rest of the room to agree with her. All he could do was marvel at her charisma and notice the way that Keith looked like he wanted to crawl in a hole and die as the Princess spoke.

“You are all welcome to stay for the festivities but we do understand if you have important work to do that won’t allow for it,” Allura gave the delegates a gentle smile and nod along with her provided excuse to avoid the party. Few took it, even though she gave them a pause to sneak out as well when she turned to Lance and asked, “What holiday is it?”

Lance beamed at her for the question as if it were a que. “Oh. The best,” he purred and took a few steps back to stand at the door then called, “You ready, big man?” 

There was a brief pause before Hunk’s voice filtered through, meek and barely audible in an expression of uncertainty that Matt only heard because his seat was nearest the door. This did not phase Lance in the least so he gave Coran a nod. The elder Altean was by the door panel and used it to slide open the barrier between Hunk and whatever he was unsure of doing.

Standing there, apparently. Though not just any sort of standing. This was awkward, ashamed standing with his broad shoulders hunched under the bright red coat he was almost completely covered in. A tick or two passed before Lance cleared his throat as if to say this was not the crux of it and something more interesting would happen shortly. Hunk jumped a little for it then hurriedly ducked to apply a floppy red cap of sorts to his head, white bobble on the end and a long fringe of white. . . fur around the edge that hung over his face, just enough gap for his eyes and nose.

“Why is Hunk wearing Coran’s princess wig on his face?” Allura leaned in to ask Shiro quietly because Hunk was, in fact, wearing the long white wig Coran had used in the Voltron shows. On his face. It made a crude beard.

Shiro just smiled softly with a little shrug and didn’t bother a proper answer, as if there could be one. Instead Lance hissed quietly at the door, “Do the thing, buddy.” Hunk hesitated a moment longer to take a steadying breath then pulled a dramatic turn to give the room a jolly smile and bellowed.

“Ho. Ho. Ho. Merry Christmas~” to an audience of variously stunned, confused, and slightly disturbed aliens. Even Allura looked a little lost though that might have been for the details and only lasted a moment before something clicked.

“Oh!” she gasped excitedly, covering her grin with delicate fingers as if to hide the unprofessional giddiness. “It’s Santa!” she added with a little bounce. Lance beamed. “We missed the date last year but the Paladins told me about this,” Allura calmed down enough to explain to the other aliens in the room who had started to look a little alienated for being left out. “He is their god of charity and well mannered children. It is believed that he rewards good behavior with gifts on their holiday to celebrate peace and materialism,” she turned a proud smile back on Lance and though he looked a little off for it, the Blue Paladin just shrugged.

“Close enough,” Lance reached into the door to give Hunk a little tug, trundling him into the room to expose Pidge behind him, all toothy grin and green elf costume as she pushed a cart of holiday cookies in front of her.

“You forgot cookies. Santa’s definitely got cookies in his divine portfolio,” she teased holding up a cookie to the Princess who took it with a gracious nod then turned to Coran as Pidge made a round of the room, providing everyone with a sugary treat.

“Is this why you had us postpone the final meeting?” Allura asked her advisor gently and got a wry smile for it.

“The Paladins thought it would be good to celebrate this year, now that we have something to celebrate, and people to celebrate it with,” Coran gave a flourished little wave at the gathered allies. There was a collective ‘awww’ from the aliens, or their equivalents to at least, for the sentiment but it left Matt rather nonplused. Of all the holidays, why did it have to be Christmas? He wasn’t given a chance to argue though.

“Thank you,” Allura gave Coran a nod then turned an inviting smile on the whole group. “Please, enjoy these cookies. They are an Earth delicacy that the Yellow Paladin has put much effort into replicating,” she pointed a proud smile at Hunk and the wig-beard only half hid his blush for it. Then she waved a hand at Lance, “Why don’t you tell us more about this holiday?”

Lance did an abysmal job of explaining Christmas to the coalition delegates that decided to stay as they all tried Hunk’s cookies. At least that was good. The cookies, not Lance’s rambled butchering of Earth history and traditions. By the end of it, their alien allies looked on the whole more confused than when they first saw Hunk with a white wig draped across his chin. Coran attempted to help clear things up but as it turns out Altean culture is just as foreign to most of them and his references are out dated at best. Allura tried to clear up a few of the more outlandish misunderstandings but she was little better equipped. Hunk didn’t even try, too busy keeping himself from imploding at all the attention brought on for being Santa at the alien’s first Christmas. Pidge just sat back with Keith and both smiled as they watched Lance flounder, her grin impish and cunning while his was a bit tight and nervous. Matt was just starting to think he might get off without much trouble as it looked possible the party would die before it even got started but Shiro stood up and ruined it.

“Don’t encourage him, Lance,” the Black Paladin put a hand to the younger boy’s shoulder and gently pulled him away from the overgrown caterpillar that had derailed any explanation of the holiday by asking it to make sense. Slav complained about the mathematical improbability of this Santa person’s gift giving capabilities as well as his apparent omniscience then added that if it is all true this reality might end poorly but they’d all learned to tune that out by now. “It’s more of a symbol,” Shiro gave a token excuse then added, “This is probably just something they need to see for themselves,” he motioned a hand to the door. 

And that brings us back to the tree. 

After a few glasses of spiked egg and spiced cream Matt’s hold on his humbug had worn thin for watching Lance traipse around handing out horrible sweaters, felt reindeer horns, and making a show of putting an elf hat on Allura. It did look good but then she would look stunning in just about anything, even better in nothing at all. Matt shook the thought from his head with a little huff.

“Supposed to be an evergreen,” he grouched into his glass before taking another sip.

“Yeah. . . this is close though. If you squint just right.” Lance tilted his head and squinted his eyes at the poor thing to get it out of focus enough.

“It being an evergreen is the whole point” Matt rolled his eyes. “It’s the only tree that doesn’t lose its leaves in winter. This is a succulent,” he waved a hand at the plant, “Pretty sure it would fall apart if it froze.”

“It’s a Christmas tree,” Lance turned a flat look on Matt. “The point is to put lights on it and presents under it.”

“It’s a Yule tree,” Matt corrected with an equally flat expression. “The tradition comes from the old Germanic when vikings used to put candles on evergreens to honor Odin on the winter solstice.”

“Uuuh. . . no” Lance blinked with a slow shake of his head. “It’s a _Christ_ -mas tree.”

“Because Christians have a long history of killing other religions through cultural appropriation,” Matt half muttered staring flatly at a little paper angel hanging on the tree. Lance took exception to that.

“Dude, what is your problem?”

“I’m Jewish,” Matt deadpanned.

“Ok,” Lance drawled. “That doesn’t stop Pidge,” he waved a hand toward the back corner of the room they’d set up for caroling karaoke where the Green Paladin was currently leaned against the mic stand in a comic slouch as she talked at a small gathering of aliens. 

“So for Christmas you get some big gift like a bike or game system to remind you that you’re loved,” she delivered it with a wry smile and paused for effect before going on. “For Hanukkah we get twelve days of. . . socks. To remind us that we’re, what. . . frugal?” Pidge added a wink and nudge to the joke when the aliens didn’t immediately get it but Keith huffed a little laugh for her and the others politely followed suit.

Matt watched his sister with a flat look then shook his head, turning back to Lance. “She put rum in the eggnog you know. My rum.”

Shiro’s eyes went a little wide, catching that as he walked past, but Lance just looked at the eggnog then shrugged, “That’s kind of expected.”

“Expected?” Matt huffed, “Do you know how hard it is to get rum out here? I had to make it. I had to process the sugar on a molecular level to get it right. I needed a lab for that. Then I had to ferment it then make a still-”

“You have a still?” Shiro cut in to keep Matt from raising his voice any more. He also lifted the cup of eggnog from Lance. Matt gave him a flat look that trucked no argument so Shiro put up his hands, “We’ll talk later” then wandered off to confiscate the drink from Pidge.

“Ok, yeah. Pidge is a brat,” Lance shrugged as Shiro walked away, “We all know that. No excuse to be such a grinch.”

“Grinch?” Matt’s eyes went wide, “I go to the other end of the universe and think I might finally be free of Christmas only to be called a _mashugana_ grinch by white bread over here.”

“Hey. One - I’m Cuban,” Lance held up fingers as he counted off, “And two - you are being a grinch, man. Lighten up.”

“Lighten up? You’re grossly misrepresenting Earth culture. _Man_. Why should I lighten up when you’re over here condensing fifteen thousand years of rich and diverse traditions into the bastard lovechild of Hallmark and Coca-Cola?”

“Dude. It’s Christmas.”

“It’s a corporatized cancer eating away at the authentic traditions of actual cultures. Christmas is about consumer greed and whitewashing. Buying love instead of actually feeling it.”

“Whoa. No. That is not cool” Lance put up both hands with a serious look, actually starting to get offended now. Matt didn’t care.

“So it is cool for you to just ignore all the other cultures on Earth that don’t celebrate Christmas?” 

“Dude. It’s Christmas. Today. This day is Christmas day. We can cover other cultures on their days.”

“There are at least five other holidays today. This day.”

“Pidge is covering Hanukkah” Lance waved at the girl still on stage but now semi fighting with Shiro over the drink he’d come to confiscate.

“So. . . Hanukkah and Christmas are not the same?” one of the aliens near the tree carefully asked. Matt tossed a hand at him.

“See. That. That right there.”

Lance rolled his eyes then shook his head, “No. They’re not the same.”

“So not all Earthlings celebrate Christmas?” another alien asked, taking a few steps closer to join the conversation.

“No. Not all of us do,” Lance deflated a bit for the admission.

“And some have other holidays,” the first alien more stated than asked this time.

“Yeah,” Lance gave a defeated sigh.

“So. . . there is not a single, unified Earth culture then?” a third alien questioned as if that were odd.

“Uuh. No,” Lance gave her a look that suggested maybe it wasn’t. “I mean, there’s some overlap and similarities but no. Not one global culture.”

The aliens glanced between each other with curious expressions then the first tilted his head at Lance and asked. 

“Which are the other Paladins. . . Jewish or Cuban?” 

Lance blinked. Hunk, who had started to wander over for the argument, laughed. Matt scowled. Lance recovered “Neither. Well, Pidge is Jewish. But Shiro’s Japanese. Hunk is Hawaiian. And Keith. . .” he trailed off glancing to the boy just behind Hunk. 

“Texan” Keith supplied in all seriousness. Lance arched a brow.

“Really? Huh. . . ok,” he shrugged. “Keith is Texan.”

“So each of the Paladins represent the different Earth cultures?” a new alien chimed in and got a few accepting nods from the others.

“Ah. . . not exactly?” Lance shook his head with a tiny frown for the confused looks this caused.

“There are nearly 200 independent nations on Earth,” Matt stepped in to explain. “Over six thousand unique languages are spoken, and about four thousand different faiths followed.”

The aliens were taken aback by this. Everyone that heard turned a confused stare at Matt then eyes drifted to the Paladins. There was a moment where the aliens were obviously trying to decide if this were true or not. Shiro put a hand to Matt’s shoulder and smiled at their allies. 

“Earth is a very diverse place. Though those numbers might be a little high.”

“Actually he rounded down,” Pidge corrected from her stage. “But he’s counting all the little ones. There’s only about twenty major countries, languages, and religions that are widely recognized.”

This only seemed to confuse the aliens more. “How do you accomplish anything as a species if your culture is so fractured?” one of them asked in all sincerity, perhaps with a little edge of pity.

“Ah. . . well, we work together despite our differences,” Lance offered a weak smile and shrug.

“How do you not come at odds for believing so many different things?”

“Oh. . . uuh. . . well. . . that’s. . .” Lance sputtered but Shiro stepped up.

“We’ve learned to respect each other’s cultures and accept our differences as strengths.”

The aliens didn’t look like they quite bought it but Shiro held a straight face and no one argued. Matt wanted to live in whatever fairytale Shiro came from but he wasn’t going to shatter the illusion. It was an ideal some Earth cultures had been striving for and if Shiro wanted to present the best then Matt wouldn’t bother stopping him. Not like much else the aliens had been told about Earth was really true.

“Well then, if what you say is true. Perhaps this Christmas holiday is a perfect representation,” Allura stepped up to diplomacy them out of this mess. “From all that Lance has said it is a celebration of peace and love between families and friends. If it is also a conglomeration of other holidays then it celebrates the union of diverse cultures into a single alliance. And today is very appropriate for a winter solstice celebration, rather like the Altean Midwinter Feast when all of Altea would gather to roast gorbla and sing songs to pass the longest night,” she smiled wistfully at Coran across the room before turning her attention to the group again. “We have had a lot of long nights this year. I think it quite fitting to celebrate their end now, together, with our allies.” She lifted her eggnog, “To brighter days ahead.” 

The other aliens only hesitated briefly before lifting their glasses in cheer. Matt blinked. Lance stared. “Did she. . . did Allura just appropriate Christmas for a Let’s Hope this Ends the War celebration?”

“Doesn’t feel good, does it?” Matt muttered into his eggnog.

“Huh. . . well,” Lance considered a moment then shrugged, “I guess it’d be ok if the war does end.”

Matt rolled his eyes then arched a brow at the little girl who had manifest in front of them like some spectre of mischief. He gave his sister a flat look and was rewarded with an impish grin for the effort. Then she pointed up, to the little cluster of green leaves and white berries hung from the ceiling above them.

Lance arched a brow and spared a glance while Matt refused to dignify it. “Uh. . . you know that’s not real mistle-” Lance started to argue but Pidge cut him off.

“Nah! It’s the symbolism that counts and you know it,” she shook a finger at him then turned it on Matt when her brother opened his mouth to argue. “Don’t tell me you’re gonna dishonor those pagan traditions you just defended.”

Matt’s expression went cold for that but after a few ticks the lack of caffeine in his system threw a fit and he gave in to get out of this. With a heavy sigh, Matt slapped a hand over Lance’s mouth then quickly leaned in and kissed the back of his hand, deeply, wrapping an arm around Lance’s back even and tipping the boy over a bit for a dramatic show before straightening back up and pulling away his hand. From across the room it looked much more real, especially with the way it left Lance red and sputtering as Matt stalked off. 

“Happy Saturnalia,” he muttered to the room as he stole another cookie on the way out the door.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Comments sustain me so please leave some.
> 
> Did you catch the D&D reference? Cuz I'm a huuuge nerd.


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